Sunday January 14, 2018

Birthday Parties No More

I’ve been to Sky Zone three weekends in a row, and we just got invited to another birthday party here next weekend. If the place mysteriously burns down it’s because I lost it, and burned it down.

It was me. Don’t even investigate the matter. I did it.

Here’s why birthday parties suck - they always happen at 11, I always have to go to them, and my kids totally lose their grip on reality when they are at them.

My youngest can’t be dropped off yet, so I still need to supervise his participation. He walks into the party room and is like “Yo! Where the cake and goodie bags at?”. He also hasn’t learned how to say “thank you” yet, so I am humiliated week after week in front of his friend’s parents about what an ungrateful twerp he can be.

My oldest won’t let me leave drop off parties because she’s afraid she’s going to “get kicked in the face, her nose will bleed, and no one will be able to find you.” Verbatim, this is her concern. So yes, I seriously messed her up, and we are dealing with it. Also, we learned she is probably lactose sensitive so she needs me to be there so I can hand her a Lactaid before she eats pizza. She believes she’s “too young” to carry them herself.

So Sky Zone curious parents, apologies if the place is gone when it’s time for your kiddos party. I’ll be in jail so you can definitely talk about me behind my back, but you might need to find a new place to serve pizza and cake. Sorry in advance when Owen looks in his goodie bag and says “This is it? No candy? This goodie bag sucks yo!”. I’ll be in prison and won’t be able to reprimand him, but at least I won’t be at your kids party.